Saturday, May 25, 2013

Accomplishments and goals

Well today marks a pretty big milestone in my accomplishments. Not only have I lost 140 pounds (yay me!) BUT I also scheduled my consultation for my plastic surgery. I'm a little nervous, excited, scared etc. It's a big deal! Finally I will have the body I've been working so hard to get! I can't help but be so proud and happy for myself. It took a lot of blood, sweat and tears to get where I did. I finally accomplished something that I set my mind to. Something I've wanted so bad! So since I've accomplished all my old goals now I guess it's time to set some new goals.
1. Get toned...get my ass to the gym at least 5 times a week!
2. Save as much money as possible...I'm due for a new car and I have a home ownership in my sights!
3. Train for a 5k...once accomplished it'll be onto a 10k. 
4. Always put myself first...I have to be my first priority, my happiness is important! 
5. Get a job as a medical assistant...this is a big one, I'm ready for a change and ready for my career to start. 
6. Travel somewhere new...I'm due for a real vacation, one where I get to see more of this beautiful world. 
I'll be working hard to get these next set of goals accomplished within the next year or two. You notice I didn't say anything about finding someone to fall madly in love with. Well it's not because I don't want that, I do in fact want that. However, I feel that love will find me when it's the right time. I'm happy how things are now and how things are going for me to worry about that right now. I'm a strong independent woman with lots of opinions and it'll take a special man to handle my kind of crazy. I'm picky. I have standards. I'm not getting younger and I'm not going to waste my time on someone who doesn't want to stick around long enough. The problem is that I love being in love. I love everything that love represents, but people these forget what love is all about. You can't force it, you just have to go with the flow. Call me a hopeless romantic or call me carefree, I don't really care. Having a partner isn't a must have for me to be happy. I'm perfectly fine with being on my own. I'm sure one day I will find someone who is worthy enough of my love. I refuse to be used or to be taken advantage of. I'm very careful and cautious with who I would want to call my lover. I have my friends and family that fill my heart with love. Everyone is rushing into growing up. Growing up isn't about being married or having kids. It's about being able to take care of yourself. Having your shit together. Being financially stable on your own. Not having to rely on others. Because when shit hits the fan I want to be able to say I'm ok, I will be ok, things will be ok. I'm only moving forward and I'm not going to take any steps back. Something I learned from my last relationship. I walked away with a wealth of knowledge. I know to be smarter the next time around. I know not to take any shit from anyone. I will not be controlled and I will not take someone trying to be my parent. I have those covered, I don't need someone to do their job for them. I'm an amazing person and I know this. That might sound conceited and that's fine. But I know my worth. I will give you everything that I have in exchange for everything that you have to give. I'm an extremely sweet, nice, generous person with a huge heart. I'm not about to give that to someone who doesn't deserve it. I will not let a man ruin me. I will not let someone think they are playing me, I know the game too well to be played. I work hard for what I want and I get what I want because I work for it. I expect my partner to be honest with me, respect not only me but my friends and family too, and last but not least be loyal to me. I will give all that to you and more. I love being the reason someone is smiling. And I love making people just as happy as I am.  I notice the little things about someone, I pay attention. If you tell me you love something or you wish you had something, more than likely I will go out of my way to get you it. I don't ask for anything in return, I do this for everyone who is near and dear to me. It's just my nature. So until someone can give me what I want in a relationship I'll be waiting but I sure as hell won't be sitting around for it and I'm not going to search for it either. I'll let it find me and I'll be willing and ready for it too. 

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Letting go of the past...

My heart is guarded for a reason. I have a wall up to protect myself. I've been through more than anyone could imagine. I don't share all the details because it's too painful to remind myself of them. These eyes have seen hurt and pain; they're cried many tears. I refuse to put myself back there. My smile is sometimes faked to get through the painful memories. I've been abused. I've been used. I use humor and sarcasm to mask the wounds that were left behind. My heart is black on most days but I'm working on fixing that. It takes time and patience. Something I don't really have a lot of when it comes to myself. I am broken in more ways than one. That song still brings tears to my eyes and sadness to my soul. Not because I miss you or still love you, but because I miss what I almost had. I was ready, you were not. I gave you everything and you took it all without any gratitude. The damage can be seen both on the outside and on the inside. Permanent scars marked on the body, a constant reminder of what you put me through. I try to see the good in all and believe that everyone is capable of being a good person. But, you're just rotten to the core. Your sins are unforgivable. You say you forgive me for everything I did to you. I gave you a reality check. You don't even feel sorry for what you did to me; the pain you caused me. You call yourself a man but you're just a scared little boy. You can't be saved. You're just too far gone into evil. I'm so angry. Filled with rage. You ruined love for me. You ruined happiness for me. Broke my trust in others. You made me think I don't deserve better. You made me think that I wasn't deserving or worthy of love and respect. That the "love" you gave me was all that I was capable of having in my life. I ran out of fight with you. You broke my heart over and over again, and I gave you chance after chance. I just couldn't do it anymore. You had taken everything I had to give. You depleted me.You diminished me. You drained me of what made me who I am. You changed me for life in the worst way possible. I became nothing but an empty carcass. No heart, no soul, just empty. I was not important or a priority. I wanted to feel special. I wanted to be special. I didn't ask much of you. You gave me nothing but pain. We lost a child and I was left to deal with it myself, you checked out. I needed you to be a man and take care of me during that time. Other things were more important than your devastated wife. I write this to say everything I've been wanting to say for the last year. Though you may never read this, it is written, it is off my chest. Out of my mind and out there for people to understand. I am finally ready to let love back into my heart. I know I won't have a happily ever after or a prince charming. That's unrealistic. But I've learned from this and I'm much wiser now I know to be careful with whom I let into my heart. So thank you for teaching me about what I want and what I deserve. I can finally breathe again. A sigh of relief. My heart lighter. My mind clear. I'm washing the pain away and with it you too. I wish you luck in your life. Just remember that the next girl you end up with to treat her like she's a queen. Don't hurt her, love her. Don't judge her, make her feel safe. Don't make the same mistakes you made with me with her. I am free now. I am turning the page and moving onto the next chapter. I'm growing up. I'm finding myself. I working towards being happy again. Working on being whole again. I'm putting the pieces back together. I'm getting my life back on track. I am living life.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Having a feminist/civil rights/pride kinda moment

After watching a documentary called "Trained in The Ways of Men", a reporter brought up some good questions.
1) Are you a man or a woman?
2) How do you know if you are a man or a woman?
3) What makes you a man or a woman?
These are all very good questions. What does it really mean to be a man or a woman? Is it what society tells to be. Would I be considered "butch" or manly because I enjoy muscle cars and getting dirty, and as a child I enjoyed playing with "boy" toys and would wrestle with the boys. Why do boys have to only play with blue toys, tractors, cars, anything "masculine". But, if a boy were to play with Barbies or want to play dress up, he would be called a fag. But this is what society has trained us to do. Why can't we all just be who we are. As a child I had both "boy" and "girl" toys. I liked the boy toys better, but this didn't effect my sexuality as some in society try to speculate.
If someone were to ask me what it means to be a woman, I wouldn't quite know how to answer. My best answer wouldn't include because I have a vagina, it would be more along the lines of the majority of what I am drawn to is female in societies eyes.
Why do we associate pink with girls and blue with boys? What genius came up with that idea? That is what started it all. When I have kids and if I have a son and he says that he wants a tutu and princess heels, then that is what he will get. I'm not going to let society choose their sexual identity, I will let them choose for themselves.
Watching that documentary reminded me of how passionate I use to be about these issues and that I need to get more involved again. People need to be more educated. Children need to be more educated on sexuality and not just in the sexual intercourse part but what it means to be gay/bi/trans. We have to end homophobia and transphobia. My heart goes out to all these folks that feel like they will never belong or are always scared to admit who they are because someone might assault them and potentially kill them.
We need more resources out there for families and friends of gay and transgender people. I wish I had the resources to open a facility to teach the community and a place for LGBT people of all ages can come to talk to counselors or even to share their stories to the younger LGBT and their families.
Just think about those three questions and try to answer them as best you can. It's harder than it seems!

 LGBT Rights
Q Center

"Straight Americans need an education of the heart and soul. They must understand - to begin with - how it can feel to spend years denying your own deepest truths, to sit silently through classes, meals, and church services while people you love toss off remarks that brutalize your soul. ~Bruce Bawer "

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Selfish People Suck

So many of you know or don't, but there have been many problems with Frank's family recently. He wants them at the wedding and so do I. They seem to have this crazy notion that we don't want them there. They also think that because they're not in the bridal party that they're not special or part of the wedding. News flash some of you were asked to be in the bridal party but gave it up because I am not going to pay for your attire! I am not made of money and neither are my parents that's why I'm doing a lot of DIY projects. Another funny thing that they think is that the officiant, whom is my cousin, is actually going to ask if anyone objects. Sorry, but that is something that is not really a regular part of the wedding and won't be part of my wedding. Anyone who thinks they're gonna ruin OUR day and OUR wedding has another thing coming. Anybody in my family can tell you I am not one to piss off. You fuck with me I will destroy you! My family is happy for us and if Frank's family doesn't want to be happy for us then they can fuck off. This is going to be the happiest day of our lives and we only want happy positive people around us. Oh and if anyone has a problem with me say to me, not to my fiance. That just screams immaturity and people that obviously haven't grown up yet. Choose your battles wisely because this is one bitch you don't want to piss off!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Enough is enough!!

First I would like to say that my wedding is about Frank and I, and what makes us happy. It is not about anyone else. All of our family members are invited and our closest friends too.
I am tired of Frank's family treating me like shit. I did nothing to deserve this disrespect. You guys aren't in my bridal party because you're not my blood or my close friend. Sorry, I am always going to chose them over anyone else. It is my day and I get to chose who stands up there with me. If you don't like it tough shit keep it to yourself.
On another note, I am entitled to my own opinion. No one needs to care what I think that is why it is my opinion. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I would never tell them I don't care what they think because I might think something different and my mother raised me to be respectful of other people's beliefs.
Also, there will be NO racism at my wedding. Anyone who disrespects this will not only probably get cussed out in Portuguese but, will be asked to leave! I was born bi-racial and I am proud of it. I love being something other than just white!
There are many differences between Frank's family and my family. I believe that I am not disrespectful for wanting my wedding my way and they believe that just being a guest isn't enough. I'm just so annoyed with the stress that I'm just saying fuck it! It's my day and people can chose to be happy for us or not. Just keep your negativity to yourselves. If you all want details on the wedding just ask, don't just assume things.
Bridesmaids are: Lauren Williams, Lauren Oliver, and Maritza Montoya
Groomsmen are: Justin Goemaere, David Jackson, and Wade Johnson
Flowergirl is: Iris Roy
Ring Bearer is: Emerson Roy
Officiant is: Jennifer Babcock
I still need someone to watch the guest book and two people to be ushers.
Readings will be from Jason Roy, Daniel Roy, Misty Brewer, Perry Lederer, and Daisy Stratemeyer(if she attends the wedding)
Everyone has a part in the wedding in some way. Being a guest is being a part of our wedding, so get over yourselves!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Update on my life and the wedding

So, as many people know I am getting married and I also graduated college, woot! There were several bumps in the wedding planning in the beginning. Some bridesmaids dropped out but were given other VIP jobs, and another was thrown out due to way too much drama for me to handle. But at last we have the final line up and I couldn't ask for better ladies!! I have my best lady aka MOH Lauren Williams, she is my right hand woman and has been there for me when I needed her most in this stressful ordeal; next is my cousin Lauren Oliver, I love her so much and I am so happy that she is going to be standing up there on my special day; and of course my sister from another mister Tessa Wadsworth, also very excited she is going to be sharing this very special day with me. My cousin Jenny is marrying Frank and I, words cannot describe how grateful I am she accepted to do this. And of course my niece Iris and Frank's niece Betty are our flower girls, and my oldest nephew Emerson is our ringbearer. Frank's groomsmen are his brother Perry, his oldest nephew Jacob, and his brother from another mother Justin. I never realized how much time and energy goes into planning a wedding, especially when you're on a tight budget. However, after emailing what seemed like 100 venues and photographers and caterers, I found my places that met my budget and my dream wedding. I have all the vendors picked out and I even found affordable dresses for my girls. Now if only I could decide on the issue of suits vs tuxes. This year has also been off to a rocky start, a day after my birthday my pup Itty Bitty passed away to a horrible tragic accident. Since then I haven't really felt like doing much but, I know I need to get my ass in gear. I still have so much to do and only 5 months left. Good news though, Frank finally got his GED and now he is going to college to get his AAOT degree, very excited and happy for him. I am still job hunting but it's slim pickings right now. I've decided that when Frank is done with school I want to go back to either be a paramedic or a midwife. I just want to be able to give back as much as possible and know that at the end of the day that I was able to help many people. My health has also taken a toll on my mood lately too. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia over a month ago and they put me on muscle relaxers and all they seem to do is make me sleep all damn day. I hate the muscle spasms and the muscle pain but sleeping all day isn't worth relieving some of it. This weekend I go see my wedding planner and if I remember maybe I'll get on here and post about it. But don't hold your breath, I'm really bad at blogging.

Saturday, October 2, 2010


In the next five years I would like to accomplish a few things and of course be able to buy a few things for myself.
Goal 1- Get my career started, once I get that done all my other goals will seem far less impossible.
Goal 2- Pay off all my credit card debt. Can't wait till that day comes, I hate having bills to pay, the less the better.
Goal 3- Get a new car. Since I'll be making good money and living in Portland, might as well get a new car to start my new life. Plus my car is getting old and run down, it'll be time for an upgrade!
Goal 4- Time for the personal gifts. Starting with a new Coach purse and an iPad.
Goal 5- A brand new wardrobe from H&M to go with my brand new body!! Can you say shopping spree??
Goal 6- Be able to afford getting my nails and hair done every month, and tanning, and the occasional spa day. A little pampering never hurt anyone...
Goal 7- Get two little dogs and name them Petunia and Poppy.
Goal 8- Find a man and have my dream WEDDING and HONEYMOON
Goal 9- Get a house equipped with everything I need.
Goal 10- Start my family, let's aim for two of each??
Goal 11- Travel the world with my perfect family...let's start in EUROPE: France, Germany, Italy, Greece, Ireland, England...yeah we got places to go.

That's pretty much it for now, these are kind of more like wishes, but who says wishes can't be goals too. Goals/Wishes are important to have. When I was in school as a kid they always told us to make goals, I thought it was a waste of time and bullshit. Now that I'm older I feel that it is necessary to have them. It helps me plan everything out, which is something I have come to be obsessed with. Everything needs to be planned and organized or I will never do it. I have to plan my meals and my day out, or I'll just end up not eating or doing nothing. By planning things out you create a goal in some ways. So if my goals are wishes or my wishes are goals, either way they are achievable and not far fetched. I can't wait to accomplish all these things and be able to say that I had a great life and all though it wasn't a typical fairy tale it was one for me.