Saturday, May 25, 2013

Accomplishments and goals

Well today marks a pretty big milestone in my accomplishments. Not only have I lost 140 pounds (yay me!) BUT I also scheduled my consultation for my plastic surgery. I'm a little nervous, excited, scared etc. It's a big deal! Finally I will have the body I've been working so hard to get! I can't help but be so proud and happy for myself. It took a lot of blood, sweat and tears to get where I did. I finally accomplished something that I set my mind to. Something I've wanted so bad! So since I've accomplished all my old goals now I guess it's time to set some new goals.
1. Get toned...get my ass to the gym at least 5 times a week!
2. Save as much money as possible...I'm due for a new car and I have a home ownership in my sights!
3. Train for a 5k...once accomplished it'll be onto a 10k. 
4. Always put myself first...I have to be my first priority, my happiness is important! 
5. Get a job as a medical assistant...this is a big one, I'm ready for a change and ready for my career to start. 
6. Travel somewhere new...I'm due for a real vacation, one where I get to see more of this beautiful world. 
I'll be working hard to get these next set of goals accomplished within the next year or two. You notice I didn't say anything about finding someone to fall madly in love with. Well it's not because I don't want that, I do in fact want that. However, I feel that love will find me when it's the right time. I'm happy how things are now and how things are going for me to worry about that right now. I'm a strong independent woman with lots of opinions and it'll take a special man to handle my kind of crazy. I'm picky. I have standards. I'm not getting younger and I'm not going to waste my time on someone who doesn't want to stick around long enough. The problem is that I love being in love. I love everything that love represents, but people these forget what love is all about. You can't force it, you just have to go with the flow. Call me a hopeless romantic or call me carefree, I don't really care. Having a partner isn't a must have for me to be happy. I'm perfectly fine with being on my own. I'm sure one day I will find someone who is worthy enough of my love. I refuse to be used or to be taken advantage of. I'm very careful and cautious with who I would want to call my lover. I have my friends and family that fill my heart with love. Everyone is rushing into growing up. Growing up isn't about being married or having kids. It's about being able to take care of yourself. Having your shit together. Being financially stable on your own. Not having to rely on others. Because when shit hits the fan I want to be able to say I'm ok, I will be ok, things will be ok. I'm only moving forward and I'm not going to take any steps back. Something I learned from my last relationship. I walked away with a wealth of knowledge. I know to be smarter the next time around. I know not to take any shit from anyone. I will not be controlled and I will not take someone trying to be my parent. I have those covered, I don't need someone to do their job for them. I'm an amazing person and I know this. That might sound conceited and that's fine. But I know my worth. I will give you everything that I have in exchange for everything that you have to give. I'm an extremely sweet, nice, generous person with a huge heart. I'm not about to give that to someone who doesn't deserve it. I will not let a man ruin me. I will not let someone think they are playing me, I know the game too well to be played. I work hard for what I want and I get what I want because I work for it. I expect my partner to be honest with me, respect not only me but my friends and family too, and last but not least be loyal to me. I will give all that to you and more. I love being the reason someone is smiling. And I love making people just as happy as I am.  I notice the little things about someone, I pay attention. If you tell me you love something or you wish you had something, more than likely I will go out of my way to get you it. I don't ask for anything in return, I do this for everyone who is near and dear to me. It's just my nature. So until someone can give me what I want in a relationship I'll be waiting but I sure as hell won't be sitting around for it and I'm not going to search for it either. I'll let it find me and I'll be willing and ready for it too. 

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Letting go of the past...

My heart is guarded for a reason. I have a wall up to protect myself. I've been through more than anyone could imagine. I don't share all the details because it's too painful to remind myself of them. These eyes have seen hurt and pain; they're cried many tears. I refuse to put myself back there. My smile is sometimes faked to get through the painful memories. I've been abused. I've been used. I use humor and sarcasm to mask the wounds that were left behind. My heart is black on most days but I'm working on fixing that. It takes time and patience. Something I don't really have a lot of when it comes to myself. I am broken in more ways than one. That song still brings tears to my eyes and sadness to my soul. Not because I miss you or still love you, but because I miss what I almost had. I was ready, you were not. I gave you everything and you took it all without any gratitude. The damage can be seen both on the outside and on the inside. Permanent scars marked on the body, a constant reminder of what you put me through. I try to see the good in all and believe that everyone is capable of being a good person. But, you're just rotten to the core. Your sins are unforgivable. You say you forgive me for everything I did to you. I gave you a reality check. You don't even feel sorry for what you did to me; the pain you caused me. You call yourself a man but you're just a scared little boy. You can't be saved. You're just too far gone into evil. I'm so angry. Filled with rage. You ruined love for me. You ruined happiness for me. Broke my trust in others. You made me think I don't deserve better. You made me think that I wasn't deserving or worthy of love and respect. That the "love" you gave me was all that I was capable of having in my life. I ran out of fight with you. You broke my heart over and over again, and I gave you chance after chance. I just couldn't do it anymore. You had taken everything I had to give. You depleted me.You diminished me. You drained me of what made me who I am. You changed me for life in the worst way possible. I became nothing but an empty carcass. No heart, no soul, just empty. I was not important or a priority. I wanted to feel special. I wanted to be special. I didn't ask much of you. You gave me nothing but pain. We lost a child and I was left to deal with it myself, you checked out. I needed you to be a man and take care of me during that time. Other things were more important than your devastated wife. I write this to say everything I've been wanting to say for the last year. Though you may never read this, it is written, it is off my chest. Out of my mind and out there for people to understand. I am finally ready to let love back into my heart. I know I won't have a happily ever after or a prince charming. That's unrealistic. But I've learned from this and I'm much wiser now I know to be careful with whom I let into my heart. So thank you for teaching me about what I want and what I deserve. I can finally breathe again. A sigh of relief. My heart lighter. My mind clear. I'm washing the pain away and with it you too. I wish you luck in your life. Just remember that the next girl you end up with to treat her like she's a queen. Don't hurt her, love her. Don't judge her, make her feel safe. Don't make the same mistakes you made with me with her. I am free now. I am turning the page and moving onto the next chapter. I'm growing up. I'm finding myself. I working towards being happy again. Working on being whole again. I'm putting the pieces back together. I'm getting my life back on track. I am living life.