Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Letting go of the past...

My heart is guarded for a reason. I have a wall up to protect myself. I've been through more than anyone could imagine. I don't share all the details because it's too painful to remind myself of them. These eyes have seen hurt and pain; they're cried many tears. I refuse to put myself back there. My smile is sometimes faked to get through the painful memories. I've been abused. I've been used. I use humor and sarcasm to mask the wounds that were left behind. My heart is black on most days but I'm working on fixing that. It takes time and patience. Something I don't really have a lot of when it comes to myself. I am broken in more ways than one. That song still brings tears to my eyes and sadness to my soul. Not because I miss you or still love you, but because I miss what I almost had. I was ready, you were not. I gave you everything and you took it all without any gratitude. The damage can be seen both on the outside and on the inside. Permanent scars marked on the body, a constant reminder of what you put me through. I try to see the good in all and believe that everyone is capable of being a good person. But, you're just rotten to the core. Your sins are unforgivable. You say you forgive me for everything I did to you. I gave you a reality check. You don't even feel sorry for what you did to me; the pain you caused me. You call yourself a man but you're just a scared little boy. You can't be saved. You're just too far gone into evil. I'm so angry. Filled with rage. You ruined love for me. You ruined happiness for me. Broke my trust in others. You made me think I don't deserve better. You made me think that I wasn't deserving or worthy of love and respect. That the "love" you gave me was all that I was capable of having in my life. I ran out of fight with you. You broke my heart over and over again, and I gave you chance after chance. I just couldn't do it anymore. You had taken everything I had to give. You depleted me.You diminished me. You drained me of what made me who I am. You changed me for life in the worst way possible. I became nothing but an empty carcass. No heart, no soul, just empty. I was not important or a priority. I wanted to feel special. I wanted to be special. I didn't ask much of you. You gave me nothing but pain. We lost a child and I was left to deal with it myself, you checked out. I needed you to be a man and take care of me during that time. Other things were more important than your devastated wife. I write this to say everything I've been wanting to say for the last year. Though you may never read this, it is written, it is off my chest. Out of my mind and out there for people to understand. I am finally ready to let love back into my heart. I know I won't have a happily ever after or a prince charming. That's unrealistic. But I've learned from this and I'm much wiser now I know to be careful with whom I let into my heart. So thank you for teaching me about what I want and what I deserve. I can finally breathe again. A sigh of relief. My heart lighter. My mind clear. I'm washing the pain away and with it you too. I wish you luck in your life. Just remember that the next girl you end up with to treat her like she's a queen. Don't hurt her, love her. Don't judge her, make her feel safe. Don't make the same mistakes you made with me with her. I am free now. I am turning the page and moving onto the next chapter. I'm growing up. I'm finding myself. I working towards being happy again. Working on being whole again. I'm putting the pieces back together. I'm getting my life back on track. I am living life.

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