Friday, September 10, 2010

First time blogging...

So this is my first official time blogging, outside of MySpace of course. Today I went to my first WW meeting, got my weigh in...lost 6lbs. since the 26th of August. I'm trying to better myself and I believe this shows in my actions. I'm just tired of people not believing in me and not supporting me. I hate being doubted on everything I do. It just makes me wonder if I'm ever going to have freedom from all the people that want to bring me down or the people that bring me down and don't realize they're doing so. Even though I'm showing an effort to better myself by saying yes I am depressed and have anxiety attacks and getting help for it, going to school for a career, and actively trying to lose weight and get healthy...I'm still being doubted and just am expected to fail everyone. I'm never taken serious when it comes to my family. So what if I'm not sure if I want to be a nurse yet, I'm going to school (and almost finished) for medical assisting, but that's not enough. I'm always being compared to my older brothers and I can't stand it anymore. I am who I am so just deal with it. I'm not perfect and I'm never going to be. My family just makes me feel like what I'm doing is never enough, like I'm never going to become what they want me to be. I thought the point of growing up and becoming an adult was to learn from your mistakes and do what makes you happy. Not to have everything shoved in your face and your every move being doubted. Most of this comes from my mom. If she had it her way, I would be a skinny beautiful nurse practitioner with a doctor as a husband. But I don't want that, that's not my dream. Never has been. I don't date people for their looks or their money, I date people based on their personality. I don't want the perfect cookie cutter life that my obviously wanted for herself. I'm tired of her trying to control my life and to live vicariously through me. I need to move away and keep to myself. I need to be independent, I really want to be but, somehow I keep getting sucked into the "you're not good enough why bother" attitude that my family gives me anytime I talk to them about my life. It's really sad when you're own family makes you feel like shit and makes you feel like you're all on your own. The more days I spend here in Salem, the more and more I hate my life. My family makes me depressed and talk down to myself. I've never felt worthy of compliments or praise. I sure as hell never feel proud of myself. And I know you all are thinking well why don't you try and talk to them about it, believe me I try but they never listen. They just think I'm blowing off steam, but I'm not. I'm trying to tell them and everyone how they make me feel, and they all deny that they do it. Um, just a question for them but how the hell would they know how they make me feel unless I say something? And why would I lie about my feelings? The day can't come any sooner for me to move out again on my own and in a new city and pick up my life where it was 3 years ago.

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