Update on my life and the wedding

So, as many people know I am getting married and I also graduated college, woot! There were several bumps in the wedding planning in the beginning. Some bridesmaids dropped out but were given other VIP jobs, and another was thrown out due to way too much drama for me to handle. But at last we have the final line up and I couldn't ask for better ladies!! I have my best lady aka MOH Lauren Williams, she is my right hand woman and has been there for me when I needed her most in this stressful ordeal; next is my cousin Lauren Oliver, I love her so much and I am so happy that she is going to be standing up there on my special day; and of course my sister from another mister Tessa Wadsworth, also very excited she is going to be sharing this very special day with me. My cousin Jenny is marrying Frank and I, words cannot describe how grateful I am she accepted to do this. And of course my niece Iris and Frank's niece Betty are our flower girls, and my oldest nephew Emerson is our ringbearer. Frank's groomsmen are his brother Perry, his oldest nephew Jacob, and his brother from another mother Justin. I never realized how much time and energy goes into planning a wedding, especially when you're on a tight budget. However, after emailing what seemed like 100 venues and photographers and caterers, I found my places that met my budget and my dream wedding. I have all the vendors picked out and I even found affordable dresses for my girls. Now if only I could decide on the issue of suits vs tuxes. This year has also been off to a rocky start, a day after my birthday my pup Itty Bitty passed away to a horrible tragic accident. Since then I haven't really felt like doing much but, I know I need to get my ass in gear. I still have so much to do and only 5 months left. Good news though, Frank finally got his GED and now he is going to college to get his AAOT degree, very excited and happy for him. I am still job hunting but it's slim pickings right now. I've decided that when Frank is done with school I want to go back to either be a paramedic or a midwife. I just want to be able to give back as much as possible and know that at the end of the day that I was able to help many people. My health has also taken a toll on my mood lately too. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia over a month ago and they put me on muscle relaxers and all they seem to do is make me sleep all damn day. I hate the muscle spasms and the muscle pain but sleeping all day isn't worth relieving some of it. This weekend I go see my wedding planner and if I remember maybe I'll get on here and post about it. But don't hold your breath, I'm really bad at blogging.

GOALS!!!!!

In the next five years I would like to accomplish a few things and of course be able to buy a few things for myself.
Goal 1- Get my career started, once I get that done all my other goals will seem far less impossible.
Goal 2- Pay off all my credit card debt. Can't wait till that day comes, I hate having bills to pay, the less the better.
Goal 3- Get a new car. Since I'll be making good money and living in Portland, might as well get a new car to start my new life. Plus my car is getting old and run down, it'll be time for an upgrade!
Goal 4- Time for the personal gifts. Starting with a new Coach purse and an iPad.
Goal 5- A brand new wardrobe from H&M to go with my brand new body!! Can you say shopping spree??
Goal 6- Be able to afford getting my nails and hair done every month, and tanning, and the occasional spa day. A little pampering never hurt anyone...
Goal 7- Get two little dogs and name them Petunia and Poppy.
Goal 8- Find a man and have my dream WEDDING and HONEYMOON
Goal 9- Get a house equipped with everything I need.
Goal 10- Start my family, let's aim for two of each??
Goal 11- Travel the world with my perfect family...let's start in EUROPE: France, Germany, Italy, Greece, Ireland, England...yeah we got places to go.

That's pretty much it for now, these are kind of more like wishes, but who says wishes can't be goals too. Goals/Wishes are important to have. When I was in school as a kid they always told us to make goals, I thought it was a waste of time and bullshit. Now that I'm older I feel that it is necessary to have them. It helps me plan everything out, which is something I have come to be obsessed with. Everything needs to be planned and organized or I will never do it. I have to plan my meals and my day out, or I'll just end up not eating or doing nothing. By planning things out you create a goal in some ways. So if my goals are wishes or my wishes are goals, either way they are achievable and not far fetched. I can't wait to accomplish all these things and be able to say that I had a great life and all though it wasn't a typical fairy tale it was one for me.

First time blogging...

So this is my first official time blogging, outside of MySpace of course. Today I went to my first WW meeting, got my weigh in...lost 6lbs. since the 26th of August. I'm trying to better myself and I believe this shows in my actions. I'm just tired of people not believing in me and not supporting me. I hate being doubted on everything I do. It just makes me wonder if I'm ever going to have freedom from all the people that want to bring me down or the people that bring me down and don't realize they're doing so. Even though I'm showing an effort to better myself by saying yes I am depressed and have anxiety attacks and getting help for it, going to school for a career, and actively trying to lose weight and get healthy...I'm still being doubted and just am expected to fail everyone. I'm never taken serious when it comes to my family. So what if I'm not sure if I want to be a nurse yet, I'm going to school (and almost finished) for medical assisting, but that's not enough. I'm always being compared to my older brothers and I can't stand it anymore. I am who I am so just deal with it. I'm not perfect and I'm never going to be. My family just makes me feel like what I'm doing is never enough, like I'm never going to become what they want me to be. I thought the point of growing up and becoming an adult was to learn from your mistakes and do what makes you happy. Not to have everything shoved in your face and your every move being doubted. Most of this comes from my mom. If she had it her way, I would be a skinny beautiful nurse practitioner with a doctor as a husband. But I don't want that, that's not my dream. Never has been. I don't date people for their looks or their money, I date people based on their personality. I don't want the perfect cookie cutter life that my obviously wanted for herself. I'm tired of her trying to control my life and to live vicariously through me. I need to move away and keep to myself. I need to be independent, I really want to be but, somehow I keep getting sucked into the "you're not good enough why bother" attitude that my family gives me anytime I talk to them about my life. It's really sad when you're own family makes you feel like shit and makes you feel like you're all on your own. The more days I spend here in Salem, the more and more I hate my life. My family makes me depressed and talk down to myself. I've never felt worthy of compliments or praise. I sure as hell never feel proud of myself. And I know you all are thinking well why don't you try and talk to them about it, believe me I try but they never listen. They just think I'm blowing off steam, but I'm not. I'm trying to tell them and everyone how they make me feel, and they all deny that they do it. Um, just a question for them but how the hell would they know how they make me feel unless I say something? And why would I lie about my feelings? The day can't come any sooner for me to move out again on my own and in a new city and pick up my life where it was 3 years ago.